What To Do Guides for Kids' Problems and Emotions

A big shout out to my friend, Audrey, for telling me about these books!

There is actually a whole series of these books written by Dawn Huebner, Ph.D., a "clinical psychologist in Exeter, New Hampshire, specializing in the treatment of children and their parents." (Because parents are part of the equation!) While the books say they are written for children ages 6-12, I've found the simple, straightforward, honest presentation good for older kids and myself as well. It is written in a way that children totally understand the concepts and it gives parents a vocabulary to have in common with their children in trying to help them (and themselves!) overcome challenges.

There are drawing activities inside that are probably helpful for younger children but feel too elementary for older ones. Some of these things we skip over because they are super obvious, some things I adapt into more of a writing exercise, and some things we just talk about. Because there are truths in these books, they lend themselves to coinciding with scripture, also, which we find to go along. I feel like I've been able to have some very good one on one discussions with family members as a result of reading these books together, and I've also had some introspective moments reflecting on my own thoughts, feelings, and behaviors.

Sarcasm--Corrupt Communication

We had a most excellent Family Home Evening lesson tonight. I have felt for some time that the communication in our family was drifting further and further from the uplifting "Love at Home" kind of talk needed and wanted, instead sinking into a muddy, swampy, stinging, biting mess of sarcasm and meanness. After a series of particularly sharp jabs by one family member that led to some tears in another, I told the family member issuing the jabs to find what the Lord's apostles have said regarding sarcasm and to share it with us during FHE.

The full article the lesson was based on, "No Corrupt Communication" by Jennifer Grace Jones, can be found here. I just want to share a few of the things that stood out most to me and/or us.

The most attention grabbing thing we learned was that the Greek root for sarcasm is sarkazein and means "to tear flesh like dogs." That really brought us all up short. One dictionary definition defines sarcasm as irony designed to "give pain." Oftentimes teens and adults alike consider sarcasm as a way to demonstrate smarts or cleverness and humor. If we all thought of sarcasm as a bestial tearing of emotional flesh that was sure to give pain, I think we'd be more careful. 

From the article:  "Parents and siblings who use sarcasm against young children often cause more damage than they ever intend. Studies show that children as young as five years old can detect sarcasm immediately. Although children discern sarcasm, they don't have the ability to understand it fully. Parents are much more proficient at using sarcasm than children and it can become a veil for undisclosed anger, annoyance, even jealousy. This unequal power changes parental sarcasm from a joke into a form of bullying." 

Jeffrey R. Holland has taught:  "Be constructive in your comments to a child--always. Never tell them, even in whimsy, that they are fat or dumb or lazy or homely. You would never do that maliciously, but they remember and may struggle for years trying to forget--and to forgive."

Also from the article:  "Eliminating hurtful sarcasm doesn't mean our homes need to be empty of humor or necessary correction. Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has taught that 'a good sense of humor helps revelation' and that it 'is an escape valve for the pressures of life.' Whereas sarcasm stems from light-mindedness where nothing is taken seriously, true humor blossoms from lightheartedness and helps cultivate beautiful, healthy family cultures."

I LOVE that comparison of light-mindedness with lightheartedness!

President Gordon B. Hinckley said:  "Everywhere is heard the snide remark, the sarcastic gibe, the cutting down of associates. Sadly, these are too often the essence of our conversation. In our homes, wives weep and children finally give up under the barrage of criticism leveled by husbands and fathers. Criticism is the forerunner of divorce, the cultivator of rebellion, sometimes a catalyst that leads to failure..."

As a reminder for my family, I've just created a couple of visuals to put up in our home. Feel free to use them in yours. And check out and share the entire article mentioned above.

Roots and Wings

I'm not claiming to be wise, but I do seek after wisdom. I believe in the "what" of the wisdom of the Chinese Proverb above, and I believe with all my heart that The Family: A Proclamation to the World gives us the "how" and "why." I've just entered into a new phase of motherhood and I'm trying with all my heart to do it right. I am a mother-in-law! 

There were some faulty, emotional moments leading up to this new phase when I feared that in order for my son to fly, as I always hoped he would, he'd have to cut his roots, and I was troubled, wondering what was the point of all I'd done and all we'd shared. But fear is the opposite of faith and it clouds judgement. Roots are a foundation; they do not hold one back but give anchor, breathe life, and allow one to rise and grow. My son and new daughter will fly higher because of their roots. They will network those roots to grow their own family, and give wings to the new sweet spirits that will join them in time. 

I did not know what to expect from my son's wedding day. I wasn't sure what I would feel. I did not know I would experience such complete joy. There is no other word. There was no division of love, just a lot of multiplication. Love and joy. Roots and wings. It's all part of The Plan.

I Can Only Imagine

I was introduced to the song "I Can Only Imagine," written by Bart Millard and sung by Mercy Me at the closing keynote address of a homeschool conference several years ago. I don't remember a whole lot about the rest of the address, but the following video was shown and it had a TREMENDOUS impact on me. I was in tears.

At first it was the story and Dick Hoyt's incredible example that inspired me. Not only did I want to be a better mother, I wanted to be a better person in general. I also felt that if Dick could do what he did, I could do more, too, and get in better physical shape; not just for me but for my family so I could do things with them without physical limitations. I wanted to be strong. I downloaded "I Can Only Imagine" to my iPod for some motivation and it was the first song I ever ran to in its entirety.

As I ran to this song day after day, the lyrics engraved themselves on my heart. I believe in a living Father in Heaven and a living, resurrected Savior, Jesus Christ. What will it be like when I see them again? What will I feel? What will I say? What will I do? 

The Resurrection is going to be glorious and wonderful. Not just for people like Rick Hoyt, who will no longer be handicapped, but for everyone.  Running to this song makes me feel a little lighter, a little stronger, and a lot hopeful for that future day when my scars and pains and limitations are no more and when I'll see the Resurrected Lord. I can only imagine!

I Can Only Imagine

I can only imagine what it will be like

When I walk, by your side

I can only imagine what my eyes will see

When your face is before me

I can only imagine

I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory

What will my heart feel?

Will I dance for you Jesus

Or in awe of you be still?

Will I stand in your presence

Or to my knees will I fall?

Will I sing hallelujah

Will I be able to speak at all?

I can only imagine

I can only imagine

I can only imagine when that day comes

When I find myself standing in the son

I can only imagine when all I would do is forever

Forever worship you

I can only imagine

I can only imagine

Surrounded by your glory

What will my heart feel

Will I dance for you Jesus

Or in awe of you be still

Will I stand in your presence

Or to my knees will I fall

Will I sing hallelujah

Will I be able to speak at all

I can only imagine

I can only imagine 

The Needs of the One

This is an article I wrote several years ago that was published in LDSNHA's Sentinel.

The Needs of the One

There’s an old saying, “The needs of the many outweigh the needs of the one, or the few.”  This is forever ingrained in my memory from a scene in the film Star Trek II:  The Wrath of Khan, where the character Spock willingly exposes himself to a radiation leak in order to fix the ship’s warp drive so that all aboard the ship can be saved. (Sigh.  This is what happens when you marry a Trekkie.) For the most part, this line of thinking seems to be pure logic. (Star Trek again!)  The Lord even used this rationale Himself when He told Nephi to kill Laban, saying, “It is better that one man should perish than that a nation should dwindle and perish in unbelief.”  (1 Nephi 4:13) 

There come times, however, when the needs of the one outweigh the needs of the many.  In the next Star Trek film, Star Trek III:  The Search for Spock, the crew of the Enterprise all risk their lives to save Spock when they find they’re in a position to do so.  In our daily living of the gospel, we find that focusing on the needs of one can make all the difference. Visiting teaching is about each individual sister’s needs.  A talk or lesson taught at church is a success when even just one person is touched by the Spirit and makes a change in his or her life.  When it comes to missionary work, it’s not about the number of discussions or baptisms, but the one soul that is saved.  “And if it so be that ye should labor all your days in crying repentance unto this people, and bring, save it be one soul unto me, how great shall be your joy with him in the kingdom of my Father!”  (D&C 18:15)

As parents we have to be able to discern whose needs should outweigh whose.  When every family member but one likes chili, there are going to be meals that include chili because the many outweigh the one.  When one family member thinks he needs to watch a Star Trek movie but no one else in the family wants to, the needs of the one might just take precedence because he’s Dad and he owns the T.V. and there has been nothing but children's movies on it for weeks. Seriously, it’s hard to please everyone and sometimes the other SIX people need to show a little love and generosity and cheerfully let the ONE dad watch his Star Trek.    

So what about in a homeschool?  Is it right for one dawdling person to hold the rest of the children hostage when a promised activity can only come to pass when everyone’s work is done?  What if you’ve given up on reading aloud to the children because there is one child who just won’t be quiet and ruins it for everyone else?  Clearly these are cases when the needs of the many may outweigh the needs of the one and as the parent and teacher, it falls to you to find a solution of justice.

Will the needs of the one ever outweigh the needs of the many in a homeschool?  Almost certainly!  Perhaps a child is really struggling to understand something and needs extra tutelage from you, which will inevitably require you to give less attention to the other children.  Should you do it?  Of course!   How can you not?  This one child has a need that you must fulfill, even at the expense of the other children.  It’s not likely that it will be this unbalanced forever.  Perhaps you have a huge need for a nap and simply cannot function the remainder of the day without one.  You’re at a point where your single need outweighs the needs of everyone else and provisions should made to accommodate.  Don’t forget musical instrument practicing!  A child may need a lot of time practicing a particularly ear threatening, spine shivering piece of music, and the family either needs to learn to deal with it, or buy earplugs.

A recent personal example of the needs of the one being greatest is found in the life skills, or lack thereof, of my 9-year-old.  The poor boy is condiment-spreading challenged.  He’s a brilliant musician, genius mathematician, phenomenal athlete, and top rate speller.  Smart kid!  He just cannot spread peanut butter and jam on bread.  Now, maybe you think this isn’t a big deal.  After all, he’s just a kid.  But as a busy mom who is married to a great cook of a husband who has become a tremendous help, I am determined to raise boys who can operate in a kitchen.  Not to mention that I won’t be on his mission or in his college apartment to make his PB&Js for him.  So the whole family is going to put up with pathetic-to-mediocre-at-best peanut butter sandwiches until my son gets the skill down and his sandwiches no longer lead to the Heimlich maneuver.  It’s hard on us, especially those of us who don’t particularly care for peanut butter sandwiches, but it’s a necessary sacrifice the family must make to aid the developing needs of the one. 

In conclusion, you can see that being a homeschooling parent requires discernment.  Sometimes it takes extra effort to fulfill the demands of justice. Sometimes it defies logic.  And, amazingly enough, it sometimes calls for a dose of Star Trek. 

Even the Best Decisions Can Be Hard to Live With

It's November. This is the month I've been both pushing to get to, seeing it as a summit, and also the month I've been dreading to come, a little sad about the view from the top once reached. It has been a full and busy fall with lots of plans and goals as well as many unexpected surprises. I've backed way off the blogging in an effort to spend time where it really needed to be spent this autumn. And now November is here. Today we dropped off our newest missionary at the Provo MTC and I'm feeling so many emotions I just can't give words to them all. Let's just say that I left a part of my heart in Provo and I'm really feeling it tonight. Even though this is the best decision my son could possibly have made and I am so proud, pleased and full of hope, faith, and gratitude, it's still a little hard to live with it.

As the calendar days have passed I've been looking forward to listening to my November Playlist. After arriving home from the MTC and feeling the need for some grace in my thoughts, I put on David Tolk's appropriately named album Grace which is my newest November Playlist addition. 

The music was soothing and filling and then finally releasing. "I Need Thee Every Hour" broke the dam and I had a good, hard, mournful, grateful, prayerful cry.

Raising children is something of a paradox. You nurture and nourish, teach and train, love and lead, and give your whole soul to helping these children of God realize and reach their potential only to feel a little bit sad when they actually do. Wait. Success brings sadness? 

It's just that you love these children so much and you love being a mother so much that you'd gladly hit replay and go through everything over and over again so you could hold on to every happy, hard, sweet, trying, silly, bewildering, wonderful moment with these amazing people you've been blessed to bring into the world and hold hands with.

Thank God for motherhood! The privilege! The challenge! The journey! The joy!

Happy November. 

Self Worth--Crabs, Fleas, and Belief Windows

I love, love, love having a recently returned missionary at home. It's not just because I missed him like crazy and now I get to hear his laugh and see his smirks and smiles, either. It's because of the discussions we have and the ideas and lessons he's been sharing from his two years of amazing personal growth.

After some rousing family discussion today as I prepared and we ate Sunday dinner, my son said that he wanted us to listen to this talk on Self Worth from Hyrum W. Smith. I loved it and learned several new things. I'm going to have to listen to it a few times for all of it to sink in. (He had it mostly memorized!) I heartily recommend it for individuals, families, through personal study or homeschool or Family Home Evening or whatever.

There is no video, so just click it and listen.

For Mothers

I'm continuing to clean out old files and attempting to reduce the paper piles in my house. Today I came across a very old group email exchange between homeschooling mothers that I had printed off. One mom had asked, "Do you all have a favorite scripture that you have posted somewhere around the house that is especially for you as a mom, and a homeschool mom at that? I read a book recently that challenged the reader to really search for a scripture that she could commit to memory that would encourage her in her endeavor as a wife and mother...."

This same mother shared the scripture that she had found for herself:

"Wherefore be not weary in well doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great. Behold, the Lord requireth the heart and a willing mind; the willing and obedient shall eat the good of the land of Zion in these last days." (Doctrine & Covenants 64:33-34)

Another mother replied that she had posted the following in her house:

"And thou shalt teach them diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up." (Deuteronomy 6:7)

"Material possessions, and so-called professional advantages are nothing compared to a righteous posterity. In the eternal perspective, children--not possessions, not position, not prestige--are our greatest jewels." - Ezra Taft Benson

 "Mothers, you are your children's best teacher. The Church cannot teach like you can. The school cannot. The day-care center cannot. But you can, and the Lord will sustain you. Your children will remember your teachings forever, and when they are old, they will not depart from them. They will call you blessed--their truly angel mother. Mothers, this kind of heavenly, motherly teaching takes time--lots of time. It cannot be done effectively part-time. It must be done all the time in order to save and exalt your children. This is your divine calling." -Ezra Taft Benson, To the Mothers in Zion pamphlet

Having quotes of scripture and counsel to help stay focused and moving forward is a great boost on rough and tough days, whether you collect them somewhere or post them on a bathroom mirror.

One of my personal favorite quotes, that I truly believe in and try to live by, was quoted by Elder Anderson in Conference. It is from an excellent article written by Rachel Jankovic, titled "Motherhood is a Calling."

 "Motherhood is not a hobby, it is a calling. ... It is not something to do if you can squeeze the time in. It is what God gave you time for."

As I've mentioned before, and as was suggested by my friend above, memorized scripture is a key source of comfort, motivation, and guidance. When things get fuzzy or frazzled, being able to mentally recall words of God that speak to your soul is invaluable.

There are two scriptures that mean a lot to me as a mother, and especially as a homeschooling mother. While I do consider myself to be an intelligent and capable woman, I recognize that I do not know everything. My love for my children has me ever searching for what I can and should do that is right for them and by them. For all the worldly wisdom out there from the countless "experts," my main source of guidance is my children's Father in Heaven.

"And I do this for a wise purpose; for thus it whispereth me, according to the workings of the Spirit of the Lord which is in me. And now, I do not know all things; but the Lord knoweth all things which are to come; wherefore he worketh in me to do according to his will." (Words of Mormon 1:7)

This second scripture is a powerful example to me of what is possible when the Lord is your mentor. If He can guide Nephi to build a ship--and a better one than anything anyone knew how to build at that time--then surely He can guide me to being the mother my children need, and He can do so better than the so-called parenting experts doing things after the manner of men.

"...And the Lord did show me from time to time after what manner I should work the timbers of the ship.

"Now I, Nephi, did not work the timbers after the manner which was learned by men, neither did I build the ship after the manner of men; but I did build it after the manner which the Lord had shown unto me; wherefore it was not after the manner of men.

"And I, Nephi, did go into the mount oft, and I did pray oft unto the Lord; wherefore the Lord showed unto me great things." (1 Nephi 18:1-3) 

 

I'd love to hear the scriptures, counsel, and inspiration that helps you stay a hard-working, fully invested, ever-loving mother. Post it in the comments below.

Brigham Young's Family Room

In the heart of downtown Salt Lake City, Utah, a row of Pioneer-era dwellings stand preserved. In addition to being family homes, these were the Official Residence of the President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints and the Executive Offices of the Territory of Utah. Several prophets occupied the office and a few the home. 

The house on the left is the Lion House, which was the private home of Brigham Young's family. The house to the far right is the Beehive House, which was the state home to use for guests and dignitaries. Many years later these buildings became boarding homes for young working women in the city to safely dwell in, as well as social gathering centers for college co-eds. The Lion House is so named because Brigham Young had the nickname "Lion of the Lord." The Beehive House is named after the early settling Saints' industry. They first called their colony in Utah Territory Deseret, which means "honeybee" in The Book of Mormon. The beehive was adopted as their official emblem, representing industry, and is still a state symbol.

Standing in this historical oasis in the midst of downtown traffic, sirens, and bustle, I wished to go back in time and visit before the skyscrapers and traffic lights. I did find a photo of when these buildings were fairly new and I still marvel at all that's changed since then.

Still, there was serenity in the gardens...

...and a wise and good example inside.  These photos are of Brigham Young's family room.

I took these photos to remind myself of the lesson I learned on my tour that impressed me very much. 

Brigham Young was a very busy man. Not only did he have a large family, he was a prophet of the Lord, President of the Church, the Governor of Utah, and a businessman among other things. And yet with all that, he never failed to gather his family in the family room each and every night for a hymn, some counsel, prayer, and connection. Even if he was in the middle of a meeting or had guests, at the same time every evening he stopped whatever he was doing, invited any guests to join him, and gathered his family together at the end of each day. And if, perchance, a family member failed to show up, he sent him or her a formal letter "inviting" the missing member to join them. 

I love the faithful sticking to principles and the consistent attention to his role as a husband, father, and head of a family even in the midst of all the other demands on him. What an example! Many times it seems that just missing a day here or there of an established family routine isn't that big of a deal. We think "consistent" means 85% to 90% of the time. We allow all sorts of things to interfere with important family time and/or important gospel time and let our roles as whatever else crowd our roles as spouses and parents. What a mistake! I want to be like Brigham!

Goodly Parents Teach

I wrote the following for the 2015 round of the annual Family Proclamation Celebration over at We Talk of Christ, We Rejoice in Christ. Now that it's been several months, I'm sharing it here as well.

Copying the Declaration of Independence with quill pens.

Recently I purchased a Book of Mormon to study with the sole purpose of searching for specific guidance relating to parenting and education. I have been color coding verses according to subject and theme. I think it is significant that the most true book on Earth begins with telling us of good parents; Nephi's father taught him what he knew because he was a good parent, the converse being true that because Lehi taught his son, he was a good parent:

"I, Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father..." (1 Nephi 1:1)

As I studied the family of Lehi anew, and reread of their two return journeys to Jerusalem after fleeing to the wilderness, I paused to consider the reasons for these return trips. The acquisition of the Brass Plates served to preserve a language and provide a record of doctrine and commandments, both necessary for the support, teaching, sustaining and building of this family and their future generations, and also to provide the genealogy of Lehi's family. The convincing of Ishmael and his family to join Lehi's family was for the forming of the most important companionships in this life, those of marrying and making families. These two necessary trips were all about the family! From the dust of 600 BC comes the Book of Mormon version of the Proclamation on the Family.

Juxtaposing this part of the Book of Mormon with the Proclamation, I'd like to suggest what it is that is imperative for parents to teach their children.

Teach them where they come from.

• Teach your children that they are eternal beings. Teach them the Plan of Salvation and that they are children of a loving Father in Heaven.
• Teach your children their family history. More than names and dates, search and study the true life stories that are their heritage. Come to know your ancestors as real people and internalize their trials, triumphs, and testimonies.
• Keep in touch with living relatives. Be diligent in strengthening family relationships. Those who make up the members of your family are not a matter of chance.
• Teach your children the history of your nation and to be patriots. Help them recognize the Hand of God in the affairs of history.

Teach them where they are going.

• Teach them that this life is the time to prepare to meet God. Continually walk with them the path that leads back to Him.
• Demonstrate a love of learning and an appreciation for education and improvement.
• Teach your children to work.
• Teach your children to make and keep covenants both in word and by example. Take your family to the temple. Prepare them for the day when they will marry and begin families of their own. 
• Discuss family life and help your children acquire skills for homemaking and providing, as well as those for nurturing family relationships.

Teach them what you know. 

• Follow the example of Lehi and share your knowledge, your passions, your experiences, and your testimony with your children. Be interested in and an active part of your children's educations.
• Set an example of standing up for what is right. Do not underestimate yourself or your influence. Employ the skills and knowledge you've acquired to bless your children  and guard against any enemy.

Teach them language.

• Don't leave to others the responsibility you have to ensure your children are learning and literate. Read to them, read with them, have them read to you. 
• Create a home environment where record keeping is the norm. Journals, scrapbooks, letters, memoirs, even poetry and creative writing should abound.
• Teach good manners in speech and how to effectively communicate with people, being good listeners as well as strong but tempered speakers.
• Help them learn, recognize, and understand the language of the Spirit.
• Teach them to pray.

Moses counseled, "And thou shalt teach (these words) diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up" (see Deuteronomy 6:7). This means good parents are teaching all the time. 

Children are born into families. They aren't born to governments, to schools, to clubs, or even to churches. The Plan of Happiness--the blueprint for finding and achieving real, lasting happiness--is centered on the family and not any other organization or group. Therefore, the rearing and education of children is both the responsibility and privilege of parents to whom children are born. They may employ the help of others for support, but never should they give up what is both their right and their charge in the teaching of their children.

"You think I'm not listening, but I am."

There are obvious differences between homeschooling and public school classes, and though the above is written in terms of a high school or college class, the premise works for homeschooling as well (though I wouldn't refer to one of my children as "the annoying kid"). You see, the facets of human nature that would make one late to a high school class or make one disruptive exist in all humans, regardless of where their education takes place. In my home it sometimes looks like too frequent and insanely marathonic bathroom visits (and no, these are not due to any health/medical issues, but have led to the removal of reading material in said rooms, though even that hasn't remedied the "issue"); kids getting way too comfortable on couches with blankets and nodding off while we read or watch an educational video; headphones for their math on the computer which project a lot more pop/rock music than math lecture; or squabbling with a sibling over anything and everything just because. Yet when I get exasperated and ask them to repeat what I just read, much of the time they can quote it. When I think a kid is completely checked out and decide to administer a pop quiz to prove my point, the one who can answer all the questions is the one who least looked like he was paying attention. Just goes to show that appearances aren't everything and there is not just one type of atmosphere or position or attitude or attention span necessary for learning. It could be that a kid like the one mentioned above studies on his own outside of class, but as one of my sons likes to tell me, "You think I'm not listening, but I am." 

That begs the question:  how many other things do I say or do, outside of what I want them to hear and pay attention to, that they really are noticing? What am I teaching when I'm not teaching?

Music Lyrics Matter

If you're ever concerned about your children's/teens' music choices, or you are looking for a Family Home Evening lesson, here are two good sources to bring to the discussion table. I like that together these combine science and scripture, a servant of the Lord bearing testimony as well as some proof via the scientific method. (Not because I or you or anyone should need science to back testimony or science to back the Spirit--we shouldn't and don't--but because it's really interesting when it does.)

First is an article recently published in the Deseret News titled "Literal lyrics? The effects of sex, violence and misogyny in popular music." This describes fascinating studies and results that aptly link song lyrics with increased instances of sex, sexualization, aggression and misogyny, and issues with self-esteem and ends with what parents can do.  Here is the last quote, from Jack R. Christianson:

“Music will do exactly what it is written to do. How you put lyrics to music and what music you choose to listen to affects just about every part of your life. The thing I want to do is teach my students how to make their own decisions based on how things make you feel and act. Do they go along with your moral compass? There’s a ton of good in almost all genres, but there are some that are a subculture. They intend to be bad, and they want to drag people to a dark place. It can take you to the highest peaks and lowest valleys.”

 Add to this the experience Elder Gene R. Cook of the LDS Quorum of the Seventy, which he has shared in multiple talks, including "The Eternal Nature of the Law of Chastity" and "How Not to be Discouraged."  Below is an excerpt of just part of the story.

Sometimes young people have a feeling that the music they listen to doesn’t have anything to do with chastity. And yet, as I’ve had opportunity to interview many youth in varying countries throughout the world, I’ve found that is just not so. I believe, without any doubt, that there is music of the Lord. I also believe there is good music that men have created—some romantic music, maybe some good cowboy music, and just plain fun songs, etc. Those can be okay. They can cheer you up and they’re fun to be involved with. It ought not surprise us that the devil has his own music as well. That kind of music is found throughout the world and has a great impact upon young people especially.

Let me try to bring this principle alive by relating a true story that happened with an individual of whom you probably have heard. How many of you have heard of Mick Jagger? I think almost everyone has as he is one of the most famous rock stars in the world. Well, you might be surprised to know that I had about 2-1/2 hours with him on an airplane and it was quite an experience. I’m going to relate part of that to you to try to illustrate this important point about selecting wholesome music.

Mr. Jagger and I were on a flight that originated in Mexico and were headed, I believe, to either Houston or Dallas. As I sat down in the plane, the seat next to me was empty. Later a man came and sat down by me. I noticed immediately that he was reading a rock magazine. I offered a silent prayer as I often do when I try to talk to people about the Church. I prayed that the Lord would inspire me in what to say as I talked to this man. After the prayer, I said something like, “My name is Gene Cook, I’m a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. What’s your name?” And he said, “My name is Mick Jagger.” Not realizing then who he was I said, “Well, I’m glad to meet you, Mick.” And then he said, “I said my name is Mick Jagger.” I said, “I heard you, Mick.” And then he opened up the magazine and pointed to his picture and said, “This is me.” Of course, then I finally realized who he was. I just hadn’t ever thought about sitting next to him, but it was so.

What I’m going to say is, in no way, speaking evil of Mick Jagger himself. Please understand that. I’m not speaking evil of the man, but I am of what he represents because it is wrong. It is of the devil himself, in my opinion.

Even before I knew who Mick was, I noticed that his pant leg was pulled up a little on his calf. As I looked at his leg I thought for some reason, “This fellow looks a little sick.” I’m not sure why, but that caught my attention before I even knew who he was.

After we visited back and forth a minute or two about what we were doing and all, I finally said something like, “You know, Mick, I have a question for you that I’d like you to answer for me.” He said, “Well, I’ll be glad to try.” Then I said to him, “I have opportunity to be with young people in many different places around the world, and some of them have told me that the kind of music you and others like you sing has no effect on them, that it’s okay, and that it doesn’t affect them adversely in any way. Then other young people have told me very honestly that your kind of music has a real effect on them for evil and that it affects them in a very bad way. You’ve been in this business for a long time, Mick. I’d like to know your opinion. What do you think is the impact of your music on the young people?”

This is a direct quote, brothers and sisters. He said, “Our music is calculated to drive the kids to sex.” Those were his exact words. I’m sure I had a real look of shock on my face in receiving such a bold response. He quickly added, “Well, it’s not my fault what they do. That’s up to them. I’m just making a lot of money.”

Then he told me he’d been in Mexico making a video because he could make it for about one-third of what it would cost in the United States. He told me this was a great day for them because now instead of just having audio where they could portray some of what they wanted to about sex and all, they now had videos and could have the people both hear it and see it portrayed. He said this would have much more impact on the youth, that his music was selling much more, and thus he was making much more money.

As I said, we talked for a couple of hours. Let me just share a few things that happened because it teaches the importance of what we are discussing with respect to music. As we chatted, I told him that I was married and had eight children. He told me that he was not married but that he had three children and was proud of it. He told me that he had one woman pregnant in Virginia, one in New York, and one in England, as I recall. He told me that it didn’t matter what you did in life, that you could take whatever you wanted, and that you could do whatever you wanted. He said there were no commandments, there was no God, and nothing really mattered. He indicated there was no judgment day and that you could just do whatever you felt like doing. Whatever I told him in our discussion was white he said was black.

And whatever he said was white I told him was black. He indicated that he had had the missionary lessons. In the beginning I didn’t believe that, but as we talked further I think he probably had. He told me he had had two or three lessons, and I think that was probably true because of some of his responses to me. According to him, he had been taught by missionaries in England.

He said, “As I listen to you Mormons, your problem is that you think you have all things figured out. Life isn’t that simple.” Then he would go on and explain some complex things, some theory of man. I would answer him in a very simple way from the scriptures, and he would say, “See what I mean?” He was always trying to make things much more complex than they really were.

Our conversation continued. He told me he believed in evolution and that he also believed he had descended from a monkey. I told him, with a smile, “That might be the only thing you’re right about.” We pursued the idea of evolution and the fact that if one is going to subscribe to the philosophy that he did, then he’d have to believe there was no God and that he must have evolved. And if there is no God, there are no commandments. There are no rules, and thus you can do whatever you want. He told me the importance, in his view, of freeing up the youth. He felt that they ought to be able to do whatever they wanted in spite of their parents. He said that parents were inhibiting them too much and controlling things and they ought not be doing that. It was truly astounding to me. He told me he was thankful the family, as an entity, was being destroyed. And I gathered from what he was saying that he was doing his best to help that along. 

Caucus Video Aids

Last night I attended the Republican Caucus with my 18-year-old. I have to say that it was really great to have him with me, participating in the process together and also discussing issues and observations both during and afterward. Sometimes I lament the "little years" being over and my kids growing up, but I am really loving the intelligent adults they're becoming and appreciating the grown up conversations.

We've learned a lot about government and elections in the past few months, and especially after watching several of both parties' debates, ALL of my kids are following the Primary results with interest and eagerness. I get updates of all sorts from them as they see headlines in our local paper and also the Washington Post that is automatically on their Kindles.  

So, Utah operates its electoral process with a caucus. The best way to understand a caucus is to attend one, but I did find a couple of videos to share with my kids about it. 

Also, there is a ton of comparative information on "Caucus v. Primary" on Diffen. It's a little outdated, though, as Utah isn't listed as one of the caucusing states.

Teach and involve your kids in everything you do!

Two Temples - Mothers as Builders

Two Temples

A builder builded a temple,

He wrought it with grace and skill;

Pillars and groins and arches

All fashioned to work his will.

Men said, as they saw its beauty,

"It shall never know decay;

Great is thy skill, O builder!

Thy fame shall endure for aye."

A mother builded a temple

With loving and infinite care,

Planning each arch with patience,

Laying each stone with prayer.

None praised her unceasing efforts,

None knew of her wondrous plan,

For the temple the mother builded

Was unseen by the eyes of man.

Gone is the builder's temple,

Crumpled into the dust;

Low lies each stately pillar,

Food for consuming rust.

But the temple the mother builded

Will last while the ages roll,

For that beautiful unseen temple

Was a child's immortal soul.

-Hattie Vose Hall

Homeward Bound

I've spent some time this past week seeking additions to my November playlist and I found a "new" song (new to me) that has my heart stirring. "Homeward Bound," written by Marta Keen Thompson, is a very powerful, very emotional, very meaningful song. I've thought so much about it, both when I'm listening to it, and when I'm not. I've listened to several different arrangements and performances, but my favorite so far is by BYU's Vocal Point combined with the All-American Boys Choir.

I think there are many messages and possible interpretations in these lyrics, all of them profound. My first thoughts were of my children and how they need to find their own missions in life and not be chained to whatever my issues or plans are. I have always been an independent person myself and I understand that urge to forge and seek and find my own way on the open road. As insanely hard as it is, it is absolutely right for my children to grow up and be who they want and need to be. This doesn't mean a severing of ties or a dissolving of the family; the road that leads away from home is not one way. 

Of course, my thoughts always turn to education, and specifically homeschooling, and how it should facilitate these higher ideals. With a son currently serving a mission and another preparing to go, the growth I see in both of them as the mature and become their own men is amazing. It is ever so hard to say goodbye, but how it would hurt them if I bound them to my pasture and didn't let them go where they needed and were supposed to go. It's both my pleasure and my pain to prepare them as best I can for whatever journeys lay ahead.

Second, I thought of the Plan of Salvation and how each of us leaves our Heavenly Home to find and fulfill our earthly missions and callings. I wonder if I leaped from my Celestial moorings with too much anticipation to look back longingly, or if I turned to wave and sigh and take a mental picture, hoping I'd get back someday.

Bryce Haymond has many other musings on the meaning of "Homeward Bound" that are worth reading and thinking about. Other meaningful musings come from those who had a hand in putting Vocal Point's arrangement and video together (see video below). In the end, I hope we are all homeward bound, metaphorically, spiritually, and in reality. This song makes me thankful for agency, for growth, for music, and for the ability to see and understand truth.

King Fruit

I get some of my best thinking done while I work in the garden, so I guess it's a good thing it is gardening season. 

Even though the ratio of weeds to family members is somewhere around six trillion to one around here (and the ratio of time it takes to weed to time we have to weed is even more skewed) most of my allotted garden time has not been able to be spent on weeding. That was my plan; but my vision of certain sections of the yard becoming weed free this week changed when I saw that the sweet cherries were almost ripe and the birds were having a feast on them, one of the apple trees was excessively overburdened and needed the fruit thinned, and a hole in one of our hoses was going to keep us from being able to water everything normally.

The kids could water, but that takes a long time by hand. Still, in this heat it has to be done to save our seedlings and new plants, not to mention to prevent all our previous weeding, tilling, and planting efforts from going to waste. Whatever else I wanted the kids to get done had to take a lower rung on the priority ladder. My first priority had to be protecting the cherries from the birds. This was the first really great crop of sweet cherries this tree has produced after years of caring for it to overcome pest problems. (Last year was the first crop to speak of, but someone stole the cherries in the middle of the night while I waited one more day to pick for extra sweetness.) You can imagine how badly I want to harvest these cherries!

The thinning of the apples is a long, painful process. I suspect I'll be at it for weeks with four apple trees and only an hour or so a day to work on it. I hate it, because it does pain me to cut off any developing fruit and throw it away, even though somewhere in my brain I know it is necessary. I am thankful for the task, however, because it forces me to revisit previous lessons learned.

I've never had to thin apples so extensively before so I watched some video tutorials to make sure I would do it right. I learned that each cluster of apples needs to be thinned down to one apple, usually the "king fruit." This is the painful part of the process because a cluster can contain anywhere from two to six apples, depending on how many blossoms were pollinated (or survived a freeze). The king fruit is the largest of the pollinated apples in a cluster, having grown bigger because it was pollinated first. If you want large apples, this is the one you leave because it will always be the biggest of the bunch as the others cannot catch up to it. I like it when there is very obviously a king fruit and the others just aren't as developed; it makes it a little bit easier to let them go. But more often than I'd like, all the apples are the same size and it becomes a matter of evaluating position to other clusters to balance weight and room to grow, or a matter of finding the one that is the most perfect (no blemishes or bruising from banging in the wind).

New thoughts have emerged as I've thinned fruit this week and they are possibly very insightful. As I have pruned and thinned, I've had images of paper piles and boxes of "stuff" in my house that I keep meaning to thin out and organize but never seem to get to, mostly because of feeling overwhelmed. I've thought of the busy-ness of my schedule and the people and relationships that I sometimes don't spend enough time on because I often approach my time like I would an overstuffed suitcase, cramming and cramming and then just sitting on it and wishing it all to fit. Looking at these clusters of apples still to thin and the buckets of them destined for the compost pile, I've thought that I need to learn from the numbers of my apple tree:  I need to thin the stuff and distractions and demands of my life by 50% to 80%. Those are crazy numbers! It seems improbable, impractical and, of course, impossible. But the visual of just 50% of the clutter being gone...! It's at least a concrete goal I can work toward instead of an ethereal, eternal "not sure." If I stick to the example of king fruits and analyze the juxtaposition of everything on my branches, I should do alright.

I've also thought a lot about all the homeschooling moms I've heard from lately who aren't sure how lists and schedules and plans can coexist with reality. I think my garden experience makes for a perfect analogy to help guide all moms.

My list of things to do each day this week included garden time. I had very specific things that I meant to get done, mostly weeding. But when I got to the garden, I found that I needed to protect the cherry tree, thin the apples, and water by hand. I had to do what needed to be done first. Did I get the whole yard or even the garden weeded as planned? No. But I did do what needed done the most, and I did spend time in garden as I had planned.

What if the time I've set aside for a particular lesson or activity gets robbed by something like two kids fighting with each other? Do I forge ahead with the lesson, pushing, pulling, forcing, perhaps even fighting myself because that is the plan? Or do I stop, set the planned lesson aside for the time being, get to the heart of the kids' problem, and teach perhaps more important lessons relating to love, manners, behavior, responsibility, or whatever the need is? Then, when it is resolved, do we move on to next thing on our schedule, leaving the missed planned lesson undone, or do we stay and finish job? Answers here will vary, even for me depending on day, but the point is that the reality of parenting and homeschooling is that we are dealing with living, growing, changing beings, who think and act and react, not black and white checklists. A gardener must work with and around the weather, growing conditions, equipment failures, pest problems, etc. Moms do, too.

What if tomorrow, when I go back outside, I see that all we did today is ineffective or undone. What if the nets on my cherry tree, after hours of wrapping and stretching and tying today, have come undone? Do I lament and give up the cherries? Or do I do it all over again even though that's one more day I don't get to the weeds? I want those cherries! I want the harvest! 

What if you spend a day or a week teaching a math or science or phonics concept and now your schedule says it is time to move on to the next thing, but you realize that your child just isn't getting it? Do you advance, advance and  hope it will resolve somehow? Are you teaching a lesson, or teaching a child?

As good as it feels to check boxes or cross things off lists, that is not what is important. It's the progress, the becoming, the continued forward motion that matters. My cherries and apples can still be harvested even if I don't have a completely weed-free picture perfect garden, but they cannot be if I don't take care of first things first. Like the garden, in homeschooling it is the fruit that matters.

Lunch today took three times longer than I planned, and we didn't get to everything on my list, but I loved it. Why? The kids were really getting along, having a great, fun conversation, enjoying being together standing around griddle while I cooked crepes. I had doubled the recipe so I would have some for another day, but they all got eaten. It doesn't matter. The relationships being strengthened at that moment were more necessary--and fruitful--than anything else on my list (or having to make crepes again the next time).

On a school day I may set aside 15 minutes for recess, but when I see two kids who normally fight with each other getting along beautifully, I don't interrupt! The math isn't going anywhere and can be done at another point in the day. It will still get done. The most needful thing at that moment is already happening. 

All of this is to say, most of us need to thin some things out of our lives, whether it's stuff, list items, or unrealistic expectations of ourselves and our kids. Don't give up having a plan or a frameworked schedule, but don't be so checklist oriented that you can't see what's working and enjoy the moment. I fervently believe that God put things like gardens in our paths to teach us important lessons. Find the king fruit in your life, which I would suggest is marriage, children, and your values, and put first things first so you can look forward to the harvest.

Mommy's Gonna Fly!

If you cannot relate to this Family Circus you either a) don't have children or b) have your priorities mixed up. 

A mother with a house full of children, who is seeing to their needs and who has many things to do in a day, cannot keep an immaculate house at all times--unless she cares more about a clean house than happy children, or housecleaning is the only hobby she has. I have always like the following quote:

"A clean house is a sign of a misspent life."

That doesn't mean there aren't days I'm not mortified at the state of the house when someone drops in. Once upon a time, in a different house, someone came to the front door and before leaving said, "Well, you can tell this is a homeschooling house." WHAT DID THAT MEAN?  I'll tell you what that meant:  it meant that I made sure that the next house I bought had a very different floor plan, with little to be seen from the front door! 

Messy House Rule #1:  No one ever drops in when the house is clean. I know there is a man in Washington who doesn't believe I ever clean house, because he always stopped by on the worst days. I would sigh and say, "You should have come by yesterday." 

Messy House Rule #2:  Household appliances break down only when the house is already in a state of disaster. A washer/dryer will only break when you are already swamped with laundry because you had a really busy week and you were about to catch up when...kerplunk. The dishwasher only dies when you have cooked up a storm and have no clean dishes left and they're all over the counter. 

One winter we got socked in with a snowstorm over a weekend and we'd just enjoyed playing games and watching movies and snacking, etc. We'd enjoyed being a little lazy and planned to restore order on Monday morning. It snowed and snowed Sunday evening and the house felt colder and colder and we realized that something was wrong with our boiler and we had no heat. We all slept downstairs by the wood stove that night and called our plumber the next morning. As I was outside to shovel two feet of snow out of the driveway with my husband and kids, the plumber showed up and went to work. I pushed another shovel full of snow and then shrieked, remembering the pantyhose sitting next to my laptop that I'd taken off after church when I checked my email. The plumber would walk by that, among many other things out and about from our lazy weekend, and I was horrified. I sheepishly said something to him when he was finished, apologizing for the mess. He laughed and told me that in his line of work he's seen some real messy houses and that mine has never been the worst he's seen. He further reassured me, saying, "I have kids, too, and you just can't live your life and have a clean house all the time." Whew!

I remember arriving at a Relief Society presidency meeting at the secretary's home and asking her young son where their bathroom was because my little guy needed to go. This probably five-year-old little boy said, very seriously, "Oh, you need to use my mom's bathroom. She wants the other one to stay clean for five minutes." I still laugh about that because I know exactly what went down in that house before we all began to arrive:  Mom cleaned the bathroom because the ladies were coming over and then she instructed her children to only use her personal bathroom because (she said in exasperation and exaggeration) she wanted the other one "to stay clean for five minutes" as any use by her children would undue what she'd just done.

I love how literal kids are. It makes life interesting--and it should make parents think before speaking.

Happy Mother's Day to all you moms who just can't seem to get it all done. It's okay! Let me close by sharing poem I memorized as a teenager, the message of which I believe with my whole heart.

Excuse This House

Some houses try to hide the fact

That children shelter there.

Ours boasts of it quite openly,

The signs are every where.

For smears are on the windows,

Little smudges on the doors;

I should apologize I guess

For toys strewn on the floor.

But I sat down with the children

And we played and laughed and read,

And if the doorbell doesn't shine,

Their eyes will shine instead.

For when at times I'm forced to

Choose the one job or the other,

I want to be a housewife . . .

But first I'll be a mother.