Roots and Wings

I'm not claiming to be wise, but I do seek after wisdom. I believe in the "what" of the wisdom of the Chinese Proverb above, and I believe with all my heart that The Family: A Proclamation to the World gives us the "how" and "why." I've just entered into a new phase of motherhood and I'm trying with all my heart to do it right. I am a mother-in-law! 

There were some faulty, emotional moments leading up to this new phase when I feared that in order for my son to fly, as I always hoped he would, he'd have to cut his roots, and I was troubled, wondering what was the point of all I'd done and all we'd shared. But fear is the opposite of faith and it clouds judgement. Roots are a foundation; they do not hold one back but give anchor, breathe life, and allow one to rise and grow. My son and new daughter will fly higher because of their roots. They will network those roots to grow their own family, and give wings to the new sweet spirits that will join them in time. 

I did not know what to expect from my son's wedding day. I wasn't sure what I would feel. I did not know I would experience such complete joy. There is no other word. There was no division of love, just a lot of multiplication. Love and joy. Roots and wings. It's all part of The Plan.

Goodly Parents Teach

I wrote the following for the 2015 round of the annual Family Proclamation Celebration over at We Talk of Christ, We Rejoice in Christ. Now that it's been several months, I'm sharing it here as well.

Copying the Declaration of Independence with quill pens.

Recently I purchased a Book of Mormon to study with the sole purpose of searching for specific guidance relating to parenting and education. I have been color coding verses according to subject and theme. I think it is significant that the most true book on Earth begins with telling us of good parents; Nephi's father taught him what he knew because he was a good parent, the converse being true that because Lehi taught his son, he was a good parent:

"I, Nephi, having been born of goodly parents, therefore I was taught somewhat in all the learning of my father..." (1 Nephi 1:1)

As I studied the family of Lehi anew, and reread of their two return journeys to Jerusalem after fleeing to the wilderness, I paused to consider the reasons for these return trips. The acquisition of the Brass Plates served to preserve a language and provide a record of doctrine and commandments, both necessary for the support, teaching, sustaining and building of this family and their future generations, and also to provide the genealogy of Lehi's family. The convincing of Ishmael and his family to join Lehi's family was for the forming of the most important companionships in this life, those of marrying and making families. These two necessary trips were all about the family! From the dust of 600 BC comes the Book of Mormon version of the Proclamation on the Family.

Juxtaposing this part of the Book of Mormon with the Proclamation, I'd like to suggest what it is that is imperative for parents to teach their children.

Teach them where they come from.

• Teach your children that they are eternal beings. Teach them the Plan of Salvation and that they are children of a loving Father in Heaven.
• Teach your children their family history. More than names and dates, search and study the true life stories that are their heritage. Come to know your ancestors as real people and internalize their trials, triumphs, and testimonies.
• Keep in touch with living relatives. Be diligent in strengthening family relationships. Those who make up the members of your family are not a matter of chance.
• Teach your children the history of your nation and to be patriots. Help them recognize the Hand of God in the affairs of history.

Teach them where they are going.

• Teach them that this life is the time to prepare to meet God. Continually walk with them the path that leads back to Him.
• Demonstrate a love of learning and an appreciation for education and improvement.
• Teach your children to work.
• Teach your children to make and keep covenants both in word and by example. Take your family to the temple. Prepare them for the day when they will marry and begin families of their own. 
• Discuss family life and help your children acquire skills for homemaking and providing, as well as those for nurturing family relationships.

Teach them what you know. 

• Follow the example of Lehi and share your knowledge, your passions, your experiences, and your testimony with your children. Be interested in and an active part of your children's educations.
• Set an example of standing up for what is right. Do not underestimate yourself or your influence. Employ the skills and knowledge you've acquired to bless your children  and guard against any enemy.

Teach them language.

• Don't leave to others the responsibility you have to ensure your children are learning and literate. Read to them, read with them, have them read to you. 
• Create a home environment where record keeping is the norm. Journals, scrapbooks, letters, memoirs, even poetry and creative writing should abound.
• Teach good manners in speech and how to effectively communicate with people, being good listeners as well as strong but tempered speakers.
• Help them learn, recognize, and understand the language of the Spirit.
• Teach them to pray.

Moses counseled, "And thou shalt teach (these words) diligently unto thy children, and shalt talk of them when thou sittest in thine house, and when thou walkest by the way, and when thou liest down, and when thou risest up" (see Deuteronomy 6:7). This means good parents are teaching all the time. 

Children are born into families. They aren't born to governments, to schools, to clubs, or even to churches. The Plan of Happiness--the blueprint for finding and achieving real, lasting happiness--is centered on the family and not any other organization or group. Therefore, the rearing and education of children is both the responsibility and privilege of parents to whom children are born. They may employ the help of others for support, but never should they give up what is both their right and their charge in the teaching of their children.

Choose thy Love, Love thy Choice

When I was newly married I frequently saw the following quote hanging in the home of someone I worked for:

Choose thy love, love thy choice.

I thought it a wise proverb, vowed to remember it, but at the same time wondered that anyone would need to be reminded to love his or her spouse, a choice of the heart that surely continued forever.

Now, 21 years later, I see the wisdom in having such a motto ever in sight. Life is full and busy and demanding and however good our intentions we humans often neglect the things--and people--that matter most. Between children and careers and all that goes with them it is often our beloved husbands or wives who get the least and worst of us even though at one point in our lives we vowed never to let that happen.

Promises to keep...

In The Family:  A Proclamation to the World, it says: 

"Husband and wife have a solemn responsibility to love and care for each other..."

I believe that the words in the Proclamation were chosen with extreme care. Obviously, we're supposed to take our relationships with our spouses pretty seriously. More than that, we are supposed to act. Love and care are verbs! Further, the words solemn responsibility beg contemplation and understanding. In this instance responsibility is referring to a duty we took upon ourselves with an oath and something we are accountable for. But the beauty of the phrase comes in the synonyms for solemn:  sincere, earnest, honest, genuine, firm, heartfelt, wholehearted, sworn. Think about the one you pledged your love to and think about those words in your actions!

I'd like to offer 6 suggestions for helping us all love and care for our spouses more.

1.  Establish and keep your own traditions as a couple. Whole family traditions are important, to be sure, but I'm talking about some custom practice(s) that belongs to just the two of you. It can be simple or silly, or something profound. My husband and I have been taking "selfie" photos of the two of us on our travels since our honeymoon--long before it was a cultural fad. We have a collection of these pictures of us in the same pose but in different places as we grow old together. I still giggle when we take them. 

 Celebrating our 13th anniversary hiking above Cascade, Idaho

2.  Listen. Fully engage in conversations, with eye contact and an earnest desire to know what's important to your spouse. Then honor the needs and wishes expressed and actively work to make life better for your spouse.

3.  Kiss.  And kiss again.  Hold hands.  Be the attentive, affectionate person your spouse needs and fell in love with.

Celebrating our 20th anniversary hiking in Colorado

4.  Be present. Spend time together without distractions.  Some of the best time my husband and I have spent together has been playing board games and eating ice cream after the kids are in bed. 

5.  Do something old, try something new.  If there are activities you both really enjoy, do them together as much as is responsibly possible.  Hiking, fishing, tennis, golf... strengthen commonalities and make memories. But every now and then, try something new together, too.

Climbing a glacier in Alaska

6.  Count the little things.  A happy marriage is an accumulation of a lot of little things. From baking his favorite cookies to wearing those earrings he gave you to not complaining about a meeting he must attend, from wearing her favorite cologne to doing the after dinner cleanup to giving her the best seat, do the little things for your spouse and notice the little things your spouse does for you.  And for goodness' sake, say "thank you!"

Somewhere in my lifetime of reading I came across an interesting insight from a Jewish Rabbi who was talking with someone about arranged Jewish marriages versus the typical American marriage. He said, "You take something that is hot and you quickly let it go cold. We take something that is cool and we slowly warm it up."

Really, it's about conscious effort.  I know that Jesus Christ, our Savior, is conscious of each of us and our spouses and He knows us well. I know He stands ready to aid us in strengthening our families.  Every family begins with a marriage.  Keep yours warm!

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This first appeared as a guest post at We Talk of Christ for Celebrate the Family Proclamation hosted by two lovely and inspiring sisters in the gospel,  Montserrat and Jocelyn.  Tomorrow begins the second week of posts on strengthening families--don't miss a single one!